I have been plagued with thoughts on this theme. It has woken me up at night and followed me around like a gnarly dog. It has begun to infect my head too. Making me question my own strength, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Do I really have what it takes to do this? What if I don’t? What if I crumble while there? The impact of that would be horrific for all of us. And yet, this infection is growing. I’m not doubting the decision. We came to it in a reasoned fashion and it is the best choice for us now. But, as I sit here on the eve of his leaving I feel every ounce of weight on my shoulders.
Can I carry the emotional load of my family for two years in a place that affords me no rights, that will present us daily with challenges, that will test all of our limits? I have no ability to say no. Failure is not an option. I need to quell this nagging thought of not being strong enough, of the terrible price of failure, of the situations I cannot control but will have to navigate my children through. Hell, the situations I will have to navigate myself through. But I can’t, I can merely make them be quiet for a short while. Let go and let God, right? I guess I am needing a hefty does of God right about now.