Strong Enough

I have been plagued with thoughts on this theme.  It has woken me up at night and followed me around like a gnarly dog.  It has begun to infect my head too.  Making me question my own strength, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Do I really have what it takes to do this?  What if I don’t?  What if I crumble while there?  The impact of that would be horrific for all of us.  And yet, this infection is growing.  I’m not doubting the decision.  We came to it in a reasoned fashion and it is the best choice for us now.  But, as I sit here on the eve of his leaving I feel every ounce of weight on my shoulders.

Can I carry the emotional load of my family for two years in a place that affords me no rights, that will present us daily with challenges, that will test all of our limits?  I have no ability to say no.  Failure is not an option.  I need to quell this nagging thought of not being strong enough, of the terrible price of failure, of the situations I cannot control but will have to navigate my children through.  Hell, the situations I will have to navigate myself through.  But I can’t, I can merely make them be quiet for a short while.  Let go and let God, right?  I guess I am needing a hefty does of God right about now.

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